Tag: top 5

  • Top 5 Worst Cars To Pick Up Girls With

    I spent the first eight years of my driving life behind the wheel of a 1988 Dodge Caravan with baby poop brown interior, no air conditioning, and wood paneling duct taped along the side to hold it all together. I looked like the serial killer from Silence of the Lambs out for a Sunday drive in search of burly females to wear as a suit. In other words, chicks weren’t digging my ride.

    Unfortunately, this was the only vehicle that I had to work with, and surprisingly I still managed to get dates (it’s amazing what five dollars can buy you in Tijuana). Some of you out there might not be so lucky, however, which is why I present to you the Top 5 Worst Cars To Pick Up Girls With. Take my advice and avoid these suckers like the plague.

    5) El Camino The automotive equivalent of a mullet: business up front, party in back. That being said, the ladies are not a fan of the El Camino. From my experience, women don’t like it when you show up at their doorstep in a vehicle missing back seats. It sends the wrong message…or so I’ve been told.

    4) The KIA Sportage You might as well wrap up your genitals and stick them in the freezer. You won’t be needing them. Possibly the least masculine car since the VW Bug. Speaking of which…

    3) The Redesigned VW Bug Odds are, if you see a man driving one of these, he’s either borrowing his wife’s car because his is in the shop, or he’s on the way to the doctor’s office for the next step in his sex change operation.

    2) Vespa Better known in these parts as the DWI bike, or if you’re a video game fan, the Faggio. Ten points and a pat on the back to whomever can tell me what game that’s from.

    1) The Segway It takes a lot to make something as silly and female as the Vespa look badass in comparison, but the Segway does it rather easily. All the rage in corporate America, the Segway is the ultimate toy for people too lazy to, you know…walk. Bring one of these on a date and begin your lonely ride of shame in style.

  • Top 5 Worst Car Names

    What’s in a name? Plenty. Take for example the fictional British spies James Bond and Harry Palmer. There’s a reason why everyone remembers James Bond and nobody has a clue who Harry Palmer is (I’m sure it doesn’t help that Harry Palmer sounds like someone addicted to self-pleasure).

    Bad analogies and juvenile sex jokes aside, the same rule that applies to naming British super spies goes double for the automotive industry. If the name sucks, people probably won’t buy your car. Hence the fact that four out of five of the autos on this list are no longer manufactured.

    5) Dodge Neon What the hell is a Neon? It’s defined as a chemically inert gaseous element occurring in small amounts in the earth’s atmosphere. Congratulations, Dodge. You named a car after a slow-moving, hard-to-find gas.

    4) Ford Probe The last image I want in my head when buying a car is a flashback to my last physical exam… “Using the whole fist there, doc?” Tied with the Suzuki Intruder as the most likely vehicle to be sold at a sex shop.

    3) Ford Fiesta When I think of a fiesta I conjure images of: tequila, beans, donkey shows, hangovers, and a PAINFUL trip to the bathroom. But maybe that’s just me…

    2) Ford Escort Completing the Ford trifecta of bad naming, the Ford Escort was the transportation of choice for Hookers adult entertainers everywhere. Sales were huge in certain parts of Nevada, but your better off sticking with a Cadillac for your pimping needs.

    1) Dodge Scamp Yes, I’d love to drive around in a car that if used as correctly as a verb would mean: “to perform hastily and carelessly.” Good job, Dodge.

  • Greg's Dream Garage

    You know, I figured it’d be a lot easier to narrow it down to 5 cars I wish I had, but alas it seems almost impossible. I could probably narrow it down to a top 20, but that’d still be tough. Either way, I’ve tried to narrow it down to a top 5. For some reason when formulating this list, I came to the conclusion that perhaps I like European cars a bit too much. These are in no particular order, and all of them will crush Casey’s pansy list.

    [Click on all pictures to see extra sexiness.]

    First up: The Lamborghini Murcielago LP640 Roadster.

    Lamborghini LP640

    [Sure sure, hate if you will, but if you don’t like my first choosing, something makes me think you won’t like the rest of them either.]

    Hell, it’s an outrageous exotic supercar. What more can I say? I find the vehicle absolutely stunning in every way. It’s as wide as a hummer, the interior looks like a fighter plane, and it sounds like a hurricane. It’s Aesthetically pleasing, Aurally pleasing, and women find it sexually pleasing as well. Screw your hybrids, they bore me. This thing gets friggen’ 8 miles per gallon. If you can pony up the $336,000 for one, I doubt you really care about gas mileage or stereotypes. It’s powered by a 6.5 liter V12 and it has AWD and 100 miles per hour can be achieved in 2nd gear. Practical? It’s impossible to park, gets horrible gas mileage and weighs too much. I don’t care. I love this car.

    Next up is: The Alfa Romeo 8C Competizione.

    National Speed - Alfa Romeo 8C

    I picked this car for no more reason than appearance. Some find it hideous, I find it beautiful. A combination of Maserati chassis with a Ferrari derived 4.7 liter, the Alfa sounds only like a Ferrari could. Rather than exhaust, pure sex emits from the tailpipes, causing many problems driving around highly populated areas. It’s no limit pusher as far as performance goes, but it was never intended to be. The 4.7 pushes out 450hp and 354lbs/ft torque and it has an LSD and a sequential gearbox, but in all honesty that’s not what’s important. Just look and listen to it. You can see that this Alfa produces pure emotion. That’s worth the price of the $200,000 admission itself. Only 84 of these will be brought stateside.

    Next is: The Brabus Rocket.

    National Speed - Brabus Rocket

    Everyone needs something a little more practical for daily driving, right? I suppose this car depends on your view of the word “practical”. With 730 horsepower and a ridiculous 970lbs/ft torque, it has more horsepower and torque than anything you’d ever need, but at least it has 4 doors. Based on the Mercedes CLS series, they took the already powerful standard CLS 600 Bi-turbo and stroked it to 6.3 liters, added cams, larger turbos, bigger intercooler, and exhaust. Brabus wanted to maintain stock manners while having a ridiculous amount of power. Walk softly and carry a big stick they say. All of this power is routed through a 5 speed automatic and maintains comfortable air suspension or coilovers, depending on what you want. Oh yeah..perhaps I forgot to mention that this thing broke the 4 door sedan speed record at a ridiculous 227 Miles Per Hour. Price to pay for super baller status for you and the family? $490,000. Ouch.

    Next up is: The Ferrari F40.

    National Speed - Ferrari F40

    Not much is needed to be said about this one. It’s a Ferrari F40. Mid-engine, Twin Turbo, Legendary. It’s the last car that Enzo Ferrari ever commissioned himself. With a 2.9L Twin turbo V8 producing 471 horsepower, it was king of it’s time. With a plastic windshield and windows, no carpet, sound system or doorhandles, the Pininfarina designed kevlar, carbon fiber and aluminum chassis was truly a racecar for the street. Many stories have been told about the F40’s almost random turbo lag. 80’s turbo technology was not quite as advanced as it is today and boost was said to hit like a hammer all at once. The F40 was the first road legal production car to break the 200MPH barrier with a speed of 201. This is truly a legendary car and a timeless classic. Current price is to be debated, but the original MSRP when the car debuted was $400,000. The F40 is simply a legend.

    Last up is: The ’03-’04 Mustang Cobra.

    National Speed - Terminator Cobra

    Do whaaaaaat? Out of all of these other cars, this one is mild. I’ve always loved the Terminators, and it’s the only one of these cars on my list that is attainable in any realistic mindset. With a factory blown forged 4.6L making 390HP (Underrated from the factory!) and routed through a Tremec T56 6 speed, the Cobra was nothing to mess around with. Ditching the archaic live axle, Ford threw in Independent Rear Suspension and Bilstien struts. In stock form with a good driver, they are good for mid 12’s and the Eaton blower sounds nasty. With minor bolt-ons you can easily have a reliable 500 horsepower car that not only looks good, but performs just as well (or you could just whipple it and be done with it). People definitely recognize one when they see it and I think a Cobra would make a really good daily driver (as opposed to everything else on my list.). This is the only car that you can modify on my list without paying out the ass or getting killed by a fanboy. They only made around 19,000 of these between ’03-’04 so good luck finding one. Price for a Termie Cobra? It depends, but expect a little under 30k for a nice example.