My Blog

Category: Humor

  • Top 5 Worst Cars To Pick Up Girls With

    I spent the first eight years of my driving life behind the wheel of a 1988 Dodge Caravan with baby poop brown interior, no air conditioning, and wood paneling duct taped along the side to hold it all together. I looked like the serial killer from Silence of the Lambs out for a Sunday drive in search of burly females to wear as a suit. In other words, chicks weren’t digging my ride.

    Unfortunately, this was the only vehicle that I had to work with, and surprisingly I still managed to get dates (it’s amazing what five dollars can buy you in Tijuana). Some of you out there might not be so lucky, however, which is why I present to you the Top 5 Worst Cars To Pick Up Girls With. Take my advice and avoid these suckers like the plague.

    5) El Camino The automotive equivalent of a mullet: business up front, party in back. That being said, the ladies are not a fan of the El Camino. From my experience, women don’t like it when you show up at their doorstep in a vehicle missing back seats. It sends the wrong message…or so I’ve been told.

    4) The KIA Sportage You might as well wrap up your genitals and stick them in the freezer. You won’t be needing them. Possibly the least masculine car since the VW Bug. Speaking of which…

    3) The Redesigned VW Bug Odds are, if you see a man driving one of these, he’s either borrowing his wife’s car because his is in the shop, or he’s on the way to the doctor’s office for the next step in his sex change operation.

    2) Vespa Better known in these parts as the DWI bike, or if you’re a video game fan, the Faggio. Ten points and a pat on the back to whomever can tell me what game that’s from.

    1) The Segway It takes a lot to make something as silly and female as the Vespa look badass in comparison, but the Segway does it rather easily. All the rage in corporate America, the Segway is the ultimate toy for people too lazy to, you know…walk. Bring one of these on a date and begin your lonely ride of shame in style.

  • Car Thief Turned Into Goat

    Nigerian Police are holding a goat in custody for accusations of stealing a car. A goat that Nigerian police believe to be a witch that transformed into a goat in order to evade authorities. Yes, you read all that correctly. I’ve heard some pretty crazy stuff, but Grand Theft Auto: Goat is definitely a new one.

    [Sorcerer-Goat in Question]

    A vigilante group in Nigeria chased two men down that were allegedly carjacking a Mazda (I say allegedly because who would want to carjack a Mazda — I kid, I kid). Upon seeing the vigilante group, the two men fled. One of the men escaped, but the other, upon being cornered, turned his back to the mob and transformed into a goat.

    I’m not making this up, folks.

    The vigilantes grabbed the goat and turned it into police. The goat is being held in custody until the investigation is complete, meaning charges against the goat are still possible. The goat may be charged with armed robbery, among other things.

    I understand that in Nigeria, as well as other places, that there are superstitions associated with animals. My question to you is: How many of you think this was just a scapegoat?

    Harr Harr Harr. I couldn’t resist.

  • Top 5 Worst Car Names

    What’s in a name? Plenty. Take for example the fictional British spies James Bond and Harry Palmer. There’s a reason why everyone remembers James Bond and nobody has a clue who Harry Palmer is (I’m sure it doesn’t help that Harry Palmer sounds like someone addicted to self-pleasure).

    Bad analogies and juvenile sex jokes aside, the same rule that applies to naming British super spies goes double for the automotive industry. If the name sucks, people probably won’t buy your car. Hence the fact that four out of five of the autos on this list are no longer manufactured.

    5) Dodge Neon What the hell is a Neon? It’s defined as a chemically inert gaseous element occurring in small amounts in the earth’s atmosphere. Congratulations, Dodge. You named a car after a slow-moving, hard-to-find gas.

    4) Ford Probe The last image I want in my head when buying a car is a flashback to my last physical exam… “Using the whole fist there, doc?” Tied with the Suzuki Intruder as the most likely vehicle to be sold at a sex shop.

    3) Ford Fiesta When I think of a fiesta I conjure images of: tequila, beans, donkey shows, hangovers, and a PAINFUL trip to the bathroom. But maybe that’s just me…

    2) Ford Escort Completing the Ford trifecta of bad naming, the Ford Escort was the transportation of choice for Hookers adult entertainers everywhere. Sales were huge in certain parts of Nevada, but your better off sticking with a Cadillac for your pimping needs.

    1) Dodge Scamp Yes, I’d love to drive around in a car that if used as correctly as a verb would mean: “to perform hastily and carelessly.” Good job, Dodge.

  • Eyesore Racing's Ghettocharged Miata for 24 Hours of LeMons.

    Sure you got Supercharging and Turbocharging and hell, even Twincharging but what about Ghettocharging?

    Alright, maybe it’s not a new form of forced induction, but damn is it Ghetto! I thought I’d seen it all with budget builds, but this is a TRUE budget build. Electrical conduit from Home Depot for Coolant Lines, Sheet metal from a Heater shed? Dear God.

    National Speed - Ghettocharged Miata

    This car was built by Eyesore Racing for the 2009 24 Hours of LeMons(A play on Lemans obviously) and the goal is to build a car for under $500 (including the cost of the car) and send them through a proverbial gauntlet with events such as “The Personal-Injury-Lawyer Anti-Slalom”, “The Marxist-Valet Parking Challenge” and the “Wide Open Throttle Rodthrowapalooza” and that’s BEFORE you get to the starting grid. Twelve hours into the race, the car voted People’s Choice is called in and awarded a cash prize, the car voted People’s Curse is called in and destroyed. At the end of the 24 hours, an awards ceremony showers the survivors with trophies, plaques, and a Four-figure winnings in bags filled full of nickels. It’s always sure to be fun, that’s for sure.

    National Speed - Ghettocharged Miata Engine Bay

    Anyhow, back to the car. Eyesore Racing bought this piece for $17.99 in God knows where and went to work. They found two more Miata wrecks plus enough worn-out engine parts to assemble a possibly serviceable powerplant, and a turbo from a MDM (Mexican Domestic Market) Dodge Stratus. With the remaining money they went to work and fabbed up this ridiculous conglomeration of pipes you see above. I guess you could call this a top-mount turbo manifold…considering it sticks about a foot out of the hood. On 4.5 pounds of boost it made 140whp, which is ~50hp over stock. Not bad for some ghetto fabbing.

    National Speed - Ghettocharged Miata Siezed Turbo

    I wish those guys over at Eyesore Racing good luck in the 24 hours of LeMons and major kudos to them for having the Gonads and ingenuity to fab up something like that!

    Here’s a video of the “Beast” on track:

  • Nissan 370Z: Some See a Letter, Others See an Annoying Commercial

    In order to promote the new Nissan 370Z, Nissan has released a promo video which features the most annoying techno music since Moby’s cat ran across his keyboard and released PLAY. “Some see a letter, others see a Car,” is their new advertising slogan and I hope you like it because it’s repeated at least 1,000 times before the commercial is even over. Take a look at it for yourself, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. At least the Nissan 370Z looks smoking hot…

    And if for some reason the embedded video above doesn’t play for you, click here to check it out via youtube.

  • Word of the Day: Farking Spot

    Fans of all things small have something to celebrate today: the size doesn’t matter folks at MINI have announced a “Word of the Day” desktop widget. Cooper drivers rejoice, you now have daily desktop entertainment to accompany your MINI joyriding.

    Today’s word: “FARKING SPOT!” This is what happens when you think you’ve found an empty parking space, and then find out that a tiny car is actually parked there. It’s happened to the best of us, and apparently it happens so often that MINI has coined a term for it.

    So the next time you’re about to park and find a Smart car fit for a clown in your space, calmy shake your first and yell, “Farking Spot!”

  • National Speed Quickie: Snakes on a Dash

    It’s been awhile since our last quickie, so I thought it’d be best to set the mood with a little wine and romance. Just kidding. I’m not one for long winded speeches or intros, so whaddaya say we get down to business and report on all the automotive news that’s fit to print…and probably some that isn’t.

    “Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?” An 80 year old goat breeder by the name of Noel Padgham recently took her car to the shop after it began making a clunking noise. Seems like a rather mundane way to start off a news blog right? Don’t worry, it gets better.

    Upon opening the dash, mechanic Kit Carson (no relation to the frontiersman) was greeted by the pants filling sight of a three foot long python wrapped around the ventilation fan. To make matters worse, the snake was still alive!

    After changing his shorts, Carson took the snake to the local vet where it now awaits its next exciting trip perhaps on a plane, or possibly train. No word on if Samuel L. Jackson will be involved.

    Special thanks to Jalopnik for originally breaking the story and to whatever poor bastard wrote Snakes on a Plane…even two years after that steaming pile’s release we’re still getting mileage out of the title.

  • Top 5 Flying Cars

    Cheaper than GasCheaperthangasIf the movies are any indication of what’s to come, where in the hell are my flying cars?!?

    For decades, Hollywood has teased audiences with hypnotic visions of an automotive future which has sadly yet to come true. It’s incredibly frustrating to walk into a movie theater and have your mind blown by fantastic images of flying cars only to come crashing back to reality on the ride home in your Ford Focus station wagon. Talk about a buzz kill.

    Think about how awesome it would be to hop behind the wheel of one of these bad boys and fly to work. It would certainly make your morning commute a helluva lot more interesting, not to mention faster…unless you take the Magical School Bus, which would just be stupid.

    Back in Time!

    1) Delorean from Back to the Future. “Where we’re going we don’t need roads.” Anybody that doesn’t think this is the coolest flying car since Chitty Chitty Bang Bang needs to drive 88mph and rethink their decision. Not only can the Delorean DMC-12 travel back in time (convenient for creating paradoxes and multiple sequels), but it also runs on garbage. Thanks Mr. Fusion!

    Harrison Ford's ride in Blade Runner

    2) Spinner from Blade Runner. While Blade Runner is heralded as the crowning achievement of sci-fi cinema, nobody ever mentions how badass the cars are. The Spinner police cruiser driven by Harrison Ford is pants-wettingly awesome. If you’ve got to bring the law to the lawless in a dystopian wasteland, you might as well do it in style. Get yourself a Spinner!

    3) The Jetson’s Flying Pod-thingy. While I’m sure Flying Pod-thingy isn’t the technical term, the Jetson’s always had a pimp ride. Who wouldn’t want to fly around with smoking hot Jane riding shotgun and the ability to eject Elroy and Judy when the mood strikes? What I wouldn’t give for ejectable seats and a hot cartoon wife…

    4) Taxi Cab from the Fifth Element. Leave it to the French to create a taxi cub that actually looks cool. This futuristic piece of cool comes courtesy of visionary French director Luc Besson from his crazy and overlooked Bruce Willis actioneer, The Fifth Element. Not only can it fly but the backseat once carried a half-naked Milla Jovovich (yummy!), which pretty much makes it the greatest car ever created.

    5) The Mach 5 from Speed Racer. While the Mach 5 doesn’t technically fly, it’s able to flip around and drive up walls, which is close enough. Plus I have an unhealthy love of all things Speed Racer related and the only other flying car that I could think to include on the list is from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and that’s just not going to happen. So you get the Mach 5 instead. And honestly, in the long and storied history of Speed Racer, I’m sure at some point the Mach 5 has probably flown anyway. So there, take that haters!

  • National Speed Presents: 5 More Crazy Clips

    Work got you down? Kick back and take a break with National Speed and enjoy these hilarious clips that the voices inside my head told me were funny. The voices also told me that the National Speed eStore is now open and that you should definitely check it out. All the cool kids are shopping there.

    1) “I’m Walking Here!” This is an oldie but a goodie. Remember when your parents used to tell you to respect your elders? Here’s why.

    2) Crazy Compilation. This won’t just rock your socks it will blow your feet clean off… I’ve been wanting to use that line for years. Sad but true.

    3) Old Pranksters. I respect my elders for fear of them trying to kill me through vehicular homicide. Word to the wise: don’t piss this couple off.

    4) Shop Crash. I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact that someone actually did this or that I have a best friend who’s done it twice before.

    5) Ouch! This clip is astounding. Not only does the woman survive, but she gets up and walks away like it was nothing. Talk about lucky.

    Got any clips to share? Leave us a comment and we’ll post it in a future blog. Keep those cameras rolling!

  • Mr. Animal's Wild Ride

    This one comes to you courtesy of the folks at Gizmodo and yes your eyes aren’t deceiving you — that’s Animal from Jim Henson’s The Muppets behind the wheel of a car.

    Apparently this is a REAL photo from a European traffic camera. The driver, a prankster that has been plaguing German Police for several months, has found a loophole in the traffic camera’s programming.

    According to German authorities, the prankster is able to get away with breaking traffic laws because in order for a ticket to be issued they need a clear picture of the driver, and for some odd reason the cameras are programmed to take a picture of the passenger side and not the driver side. Which means that every time the German police are about to write up a ticket, they’d have to issue it to Animal from the Muppets. You’ve gotta love the absurdity of that sentence.

    The most important question, besides why in the holy hell the cameras are programmed to take a picture of the passenger seat and not the driver, is whether or not Animal actually has a driver’s license. These are the thoughts that kept me out of the good schools…