My Blog

Category: Humor

  • National Speed Presents: 5 Ridiculous Car Stunts

    Every Monday on the blog we try to run a series of video clips that we think are funny, outrageous, or just plain cool. I say try because sometimes things come up and we’re unable to update on schedule. You know, like that whole work thing. Life would be so much easier without work. And yet, then I’d be unemployed and unable to write this blog. Talk about a catch-22!

    1) Half Pipe. Not many people have seen a car pull a Tony Hawk and bust out a 900 on a half-pipe before. Count yourself as one of the lucky ones. And while I realize this clip is fake, that doesn’t mean it isn’t funny as hell and worth watching. Besides, in two or three years they’ll probably be somebody dumb enough to try something like this…and his glorious failure will be ours to watch on you tube. Here’s hoping they have the cameras running.

    2) Auto Cross Accident. Here’s a little tip, if you’re auto crossing in front of hundreds of people, try not to get run over by your own car. It looks bad…and it’s embarrassing for the car.

    3) SAAB Peformance. Here’s the real deal. Let the professionals show you how it’s done. These guys are the automotive equivalent of the Blue Angels. Really cool stuff.

    4) Road Skating. Why this isn’t a professional sport I have no idea. You could watch this on a constant loop for 24 hours and not get tired of it.

    5) Car 1, Man 0. In the game of human chicken, there can only be one outcome. One horribly painful, bone crunching, hilarious outcome.

    Ready for your close up? Leave us a comment or send us an email and we’ll post any cool videos that you submit to us in a future blog. Roll ’em!

  • National Speed Presents: 5 Funny Cop Clips

    In celebration of our upcoming Law Enforcement Dyno Day in November, National Speed presents 5 clips of Law Enforcement hilarity. Disclaimer: in no way are these clips meant to make light of Law Enforcement Officers, but rather the absurd situations that they sometimes find themselves in…Why do I suddenly have a sneaking suspicion that my car is gonna be impounded and crushed into a 4×4 cube? Maybe I should get rid of the stolen borrowed video games in my trunk.

    1) Reversal of Fortune. This is my personal favorite. I love the fact that the driver actually has enough presence of mind to put his turn signal on before he completely obliterates the cop car by backing into it.

    2) Officer Down! I give her a 9.5 for the dismount.

    3) “License, Registration, Aw Crap!” I take it back. This one is my favorite. I wish I could see the look on the driver’s face when the cop goes running off. Better yet, I wish I could see if the police officer actually has the guts to follow through with the ticket after his car rolls away.

    4) Near miss. This is why there’s a law that requires you to move into the furthest left lane whenever you see a police officer stopped on the side of the road. What’s hilarious about this clip is how calm the officer remains as he narrowly misses becoming the latest addition to Faces of Death.

    5) Hide and Go Drift. While this is just an 8 second clip from a Jackie Chan flick, its pretty damn impressive nonetheless. I wish I could pull off a move that smooth. Only in the movies…

    Got any videos you’d like to share? Leave us a comment or send us an email and we’ll post them in a future vid blog.

  • National Speed Presents: The Automotively Challenged

    There are some people that were born to sit behind the wheel of a car. These are not those people…

    1) Car Rotisserie. This is what happens when gearheads with too much spare time get inspired while stuck in front of the spinning chicken rack at Golden Corral. I can’t imagine anything else that would compel someone to do this to their car. Then again, maybe they just have an unhealthy obsession with Johnny 5’s eyebrows. If anybody actually gets that reference come by National Speed and I’ll buy you a Coke. Not really, but it’s the thought that counts, right guys?

    2) Worst Car Mods. There’s no sound to this clip but the video more than speaks for itself. Part of me hopes that these are photoshopped and that no sane person would create automobiles this ugly but deep down I know they’re real. May God have mercy on their poor, aesthetically challenged souls.

    3) Backasswards. This is security camera footage of a driver that can’t back out of a parking space to save their life.

    4) More Parking Trouble. More security camera footage of the parking challenged.

    5) When Cars Attack. To prove that I’m not sexist, I’ve included a clip of another boneheaded driver that has some problems getting out of a parking deck. He’s a guy, or at least he was before the end of this clip. Almost getting run down by your own car is a complete violation of man law.

    Got any videos you’d like to share with National Speed? Leave us a comment and we’ll post ‘em up in our next video blog.

  • National Speed Presents: And Now For Something Completely Different…

    This is something new we’re trying out in the blog. Every Wednesday we’re going to post a humorous pic from the shop, random artwork from the crazies in Cubeville, or something incredibly weird to justify your mouse clicks. For example, today you get a rare glimpse at rare works of art from National Speed’s dry erase board. Warning: not for the faint of heart.

    Merbot!

    This is Merbot. We’re not sure how in the hell a robot/mermaid survives in water but nevertheless here he/she/it is for your viewing pleasure.

    Pancakes!

    Currently on loan from the National Museum of Art, Pancakes is a modern art masterpiece. Take a closer look at the penmanship on the six-legged tentacle creature known simply as Zed. It’s exquisite work that’s said to have inspired Leonardo DaVinci, Michaelangelo, and other lesser known Ninja Turtles.

    Stay tuned for next Wednesday’s installment where you can see even more brain droppings from National Speed. As always if you have any funny pictures, artwork, etc you’d like to share leave us a comment and we’ll post it in a future blog.

  • The Unusual Suspects

    Those of you that frequent the shop have probably already met our technicians Ben, Bobby, John, and Tim (and if you haven’t check them out here) but what about the rest of the guys and girls of National Speed? Peek behind the curtain and behold the astonishing, fantastic, and in the case of Jordan, just plain weird employees of National Speed.


    Vincent Alfaro
    Alias: Short Round
    Vince is our badass graphic designer, which means he colors within the lines, and if he doesn’t he can make up a cool excuse for why he didn’t. “It’s like…artistic, man.” He also gets major cool points for looking like Short Round from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.


    Dennis Corpuz
    Alias: Numb3rs
    Dennis is our accountant and keeps track of how many Red Bull IOU’s everybody owes. With the amount of caffeine around here it’s pretty much a full time job. Then again so is keeping up with James and his daily trips to Zaxby’s. The man is serious about his chicken.


    Shane Karalewitz
    Alias: The Parts Guy
    Shane is the Director of Vendor Relations & Logistics or as he likes to put it, “the parts guy.” He grew up on the mean streets of Detroit and from looking at his picture doesn’t he just scream thug life? It takes an original gangster to drive a Slimer-green Nissan 240 SX.


    James Moncure
    Alias: The Zaxby
    When he’s not eating at Zaxby’s, James serves as National Speed’s Chief Financial Officer. He has over 10 years experience in the financial industry, as well as over 4 years experience as a successful entrepreneur in the retail sector. Just don’t ask him how to work the fax machine.


    Casey Robinson
    Alias: Space Hamster
    Casey is our over-caffeinated Copywriter/Media Specialist, which basically means he sits at his desk surfing MySpace when he should be writing. He’s an expert at pretending to work and has an unhealthy obsession with all things movie related. His Ford Focus is the envy of everyone at National Speed.


    Nathan Snell (Schnell)
    Alias: The Baron
    Nathan is the Vice President of Web Development, but don’t let the fancy title fool you. Beneath the corporate veneer is a stone cold operative highly trained in hand-to-hand combat, cage fighting, and clerical efficiency. He may drive a K.I.A. but that’s because he always kills in action.


    Josh Tobey
    Alias: Office Ninja
    Josh is our resident Web Developer and has the stillness of a praying mantis. Seriously, watching him work is like an exercise in Zen efficiency. He’s the ninja of National Speed. You don’t even realize he’s there until he materializes out of thin air. He’s that talented.


    Nina Voltaire
    Alias: Hollywood
    What doesn’t Nina do around here? Besides putting up with a shop full of guys, Nina is our Executive Assistant and a big New Kids on the Block fan. Don’t hold that against her though. What she lacks in musical taste she more than makes up for in cars — the 2010 Chevy Camaro SS will be hers.


    Scott Walker
    Alias: Speed Walker
    Scott is our marketing intern and the only guy cool enough to rock a pink turbo. He skates, he races, and he had his picture taken with Jessica Barton. Too bad she doesn’t date guys that drive ’81 civics…or does she?


    J    ordan Watson
    Alias: Zed
    Jordan is a giant and devours small cities in his spare time. Working as our Performance Consultant he practically lives at the shop. From the moment the customer walks in the door, to the moment they walk out, everything in between is the Performance Consultant’s responsibility.

  • National Speed Presents: 5 Epic Automotive Fails

    I hate to admit it, but I’m a bit of a rubbernecker. When I see a crash on the side of the road, I slow my car down to Flintstones speed just so I can get a better look at the remains (of the car — not the body, sickos). And while there’s nothing funny about automotive accidents, you’ve got to admit that these are some truly epic fails.

    1) Flipping Sweet! I still don’t see how this guy survives. He flips at least 8 times and perfectly nails the dismount. Synchronized car crashing should be an Olympic sport — if Curling counts then certainly we can get synchronized car crashing in there.

    2) Don’t Do It! This clip gets funnier every time I watch it just for the owner of the car shouting in the background, “NO! DON’T DO IT! NO!” I have a demented sense of humor, what can I say…

    3) Ghost Riding Dirty. Anybody that’s stupid enough to Ghost Ride deserves to have their car stolen. Disclaimer: I’m sure this is fake but because I hate Ghost Riding so much I have to include it on the list to encourage future carjackers.

    4) Wheels Optional. I might be wrong but generally you have a better chance of winning a drag race if your wheels stay on during the actual racing. I could be wrong, though.

    5) Wear Your Helmet! Another ridiculous crash. No one was harmed in the making of this video, which means you can enjoy it without feeling guilty.

    Got any videos you’d like to share with National Speed? Leave us a comment and we’ll post ’em up in our next vid blog. Remember: your epic fail can be enjoyed by all, so keep those video cameras rolling.

  • Carmeggedon: Vehicles of the Apocalypse

    If you’re anything like me you spend a good portion of your day thinking about meaningless crap: if I jumped off the Wrightsville bridge would I survive? What would happen if I drove my car through Home Depot? If zombies attacked which shopping mall would I call home? And my latest prize winner: when the world ends and the apocalypse comes, what vehicle would I drive?

    Ever since I started working at National Speed I’ve given that last one a lot of thought (when you’re surrounded by noxious fumes and huffable magic markers you’d be surprised what goes through your head). Surprisingly, I’m not the only one with a demented brain around here. If the peeps at National Speed are any indication, when the apocalypse comes the wasteland is going to be an interesting place to drive around in.

    1. The Wienermobile. Laugh all you want, but when you’re driving around in an apocalyptic wasteland all day you’re going to want a little excitement. Beneath the bun this dog is packing a 5700 GM VORTEC engine which is plenty of bite for a wiener shaped car. Mount a custom fabricated rocket launcher on the rear and dual machine gun turrets on the front and you’ve got one mean hush puppy.

    2. Riding Lawnmower. Good things come in small packages (at least that’s what my ex-girlfriend used to tell me) so a souped-up riding lawnmower should do the trick. Funnily enough, they actually race these things in Ottawa — some upwards of 200 hp. Those crazy Cannucks! Drop in some nitrous, a .50 caliber machine gun, and maybe some razor-sharp cutting blades and you’ll be ready to kick some serious grass.

    3. V8 Barstool. Possibly the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. A custom-built barstool with a V8 engine. Absolutely insane. Believe it or not, there’s an official barstool racing league in the Bonneville Salt Flats. Because of the stool’s small size there’s not a lot of room for weapons modifications, but you could easily install an oil slick, smoke screen, maybe even spiked tire shredders that’ll bring a whole new meaning to “last call.”

    With astronomical gas prices, global warming, and a fourth Fast & Furious on the way to multiplexes, the end is surely nigh. Submit your photos and share your vehicle ideas with National Speed for what you’ll be driving when the apocalypse dawns…and if you pick the Toyota Prius we’re all going to laugh at you. Seriously.

  • National Speed Presents 5 Crazy Clips

    Here are some of National Speed’s five favorite video clips. WARNING: do not try this stuff at home! These people are trained professionals, and in some cases absolute maniacs. It’s amazing how often those two traits sometimes coincide.

      1. This clip proves that it’s not the size that counts but how you use it.

      2. These guys have all the money in the world…maybe the should use some of it to learn how to drive.

      3. Pretty amazing stuff. Make sure to watch all the way to the end when the passengers decide to play Superman on the side of the truck.

      4. Proof that having too much spare time isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

      5. They call this guy the Ghostrider (not to be confused with the crap Nicholas Cage movie). The stuff this guy can do on a motorcycle is insane.

    Got any crazy clip recommendations you’d like to share with National Speed? Leave us a comment and we’ll check them out and potentially post them in a future blog. Remember, don’t do anything stupid…or at the very least wait until someone’s filming it.

  • 9 out of 10 Women Hate the Environment

    A recent survey conducted by General Motors said that nine out of ten women would prefer to date a guy that drove the latest fuel-efficient car rather than a high performance sports car. Now I’m not sure where General Motors conducts their surveys, but it obviously isn’t Wilmington, North Carolina. It might not even be the same planet. And come to think of it, isn’t it funny that as soon as General Motors dips their toes into the hybrid market they release a survey stating chicks dig guys that drive fuel efficient cars? That’s like McDonald’s saying nine out of ten vegetarians would prefer to eat McDonald’s hamburgers than contract salmonella.

    WHICH WOULD YOU PREFER?

    In the spirit of scientific experimentation, I decided to hit the street and survey the lovely ladies of Wilmington, NC. I presented them with the option of going out in a fuel efficient Ford Focus or a sporty BMW 135i. A whopping nine out of ten women stated they’d rather eat glass than date me, no matter what I drove, so I decided to conduct the remainder of the survey via email instead.

    After randomly sampling women from all walks of life (that sounds a lot dirtier than it’s supposed to), I found that a resounding 15 out of 20 women would prefer to date a guy that drives a sports car. The remaining five said that they didn’t care one way or the other. In other words, not one woman wanted to date a guy that drove a fuel efficient car! That may sound like shenanigans, but I defy anyone that doesn’t believe me to try getting a date while driving a Ford Focus. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be trading in my 30 mpg station wagon for a Bugatti Veyron. Come get some, ladies.

  • Geek Your Ride

    “What the hell’s a gigawatt?” Children of the 80’s rejoice. If you’ve ever roared down the highway at 88mph hoping you’d travel back in time (I can’t be the only one that’s tried it) now is your chance. Thanks to the enterprising geeks at Diamond Select you can turn your car into a time traveling De Lorean straight outta Back to the Future (Huey Lewis not included). Feast your eyes on the electronic splendor of the Flux Capacitor, 100% guaranteed to not get you any dates.

    And just when you thought it couldn’t get any better (or worse depending on your love of all things 80’s), MIO Technologies is set to introduce a Knight Rider GPS system featuring the original voice of KITT later this year. I can imagine few things sweeter than driving around and hearing, “Michael, you can’t possibly be thinking of eating at Denny’s again!” No word yet as to whether KITT will drive the car for you. If it did I would buy five of them.

    At some point I need to have a serious pow-wow with Shane, our vendor relations guy, and see if he can get me some of these puppies. James would probably confiscate them, though. That’s the danger of having a Chief Financial Officer that’s a closet David Hasselhoff fan.

    James Moncure, Chief Financial Officer, age 8

    Just kidding, James. Everybody knows you’re really a huge Transformers geek. Now if I could just get his friends at Hasbro to release a body kit that would transform my car from a Ford Focus into a towering Optimus Prime, my life would be complete…or at least nerdier.